I never knew it was possible to love something so whole heartedly
Where every thought is centered around him
My everyday actions shifted to focus on caring for him
Making sure his every need is met
I became extremely selfless when i had my sun
I think a lot of mamas do
So often we place ourselves on the backburner to get through the day
I never knew I could be so tired and so full of life all at once
It’s days of reorganizing, recleaning and releasing control over situations you will never have control of
To all the days I’ve felt I couldn’t do it anymore
That I was failing as a mom because my house wouldn’t stay clean no matter how hard I tried
To all the nights I laid looking at pictures of you while you slept comfortably because I wished I had more to give you
What I’ve learned is that a messy house is a house full of memories
Making it well loved
The laundry may not be folded but at least I got to comfort you to sleep
Laying there for hours with you as your chest breathed in and out
Arm cradling me
I never knew I could mean so much to someone
Or that someone could mean so much to me
But I’ve found my joy
It’s in the mundane moments where I think I’m going crazy and you’re running around the corner with a smile on your face happy to see me
The way your body fits against mine like a puzzle piece
I’ll forever be grateful for the slow moments that last forever and the fast moments that are gone in the blink of an eye
Because life would be boring as shit without you banging on the pots and pans for the 5th time today
And baby I’m here for it
To watch you explore the world reaching up for my hand to hold
Is the greatest gift I’ll ever recieve

Death has never been an easy feat to overcome. With waves of grief that wash over you in the quick glimpse of a strangers smile or the way the sun touches your skin.
I’ve always been a bit insensitive to death
Maybe because I am more sensitive to its counterparts
Aware of the spiritual realm dancing around us
Communicating with us
Sending messages of reassurance
Viable to each receiver
My heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone
As I know the pain only goes away in the night when you’ve drifted silently into dream realms
The thought of going through another day without them eats at you
You can’t imagine it
So it’s much easier to pretend like you’re not alive so you don’t have to feel it anymore
It’s a constant paradox
To be living while simultaneously not alive
Those we have lost have a message for us
To live on
To live free
To enjoy the way the Golden light flickers on the trees
To hug those you love that much harder as if you were hugging those you lost through every interaction with another human
I don’t think they would want us to be sad
More so to use our sadness in a way of interacting with the world around us
Allowing it to burst open our hearts with more compassion for our neighbors
Feeling into the depths of all this humanness is messy and unknown
Yet there’s something about the way grief gifts you with a pallet of colors and says here
Go play
Go remember
Go let it out
Losing someone isn’t a linear process as with much else
But it’s a unique process
Individual to each person’s take on what death means to them
For me
It means a see you later
Almost as though the next time a bird comes singing over head I will hear your laughter
Or the way a blooming purple flower reminds me of your caring heart
You see death allows us to interact with the spiritual realm
A space that asks you to silence the minds despair and become receptive to the energetic synthesis of life & death
Many will harden themselves with the pain
Some will never be the same
But for those ready to step into the light of God
We must remember that for when a spirit chooses to leave this plane
It’s because their soul had its own timeline
A unique individualism of what they’ve come here to do, see, share, be
When we open our perceptions surrounding death we are able to look further into the humanness of our spiritual existence
How this flesh was created in and of the waters
How we return to the soil when our time has come
To nourish the land with our wisdom
Our tale, a story as old as time
I believe with each memory engraved within the earth of someone we love, comes a field of wild flowers
Drifting in the wind, powered by the sun
We must remember we were never meant to proclaim greatness over this land
But to watch as every instance unlocks the shackles of resistance
So we may return home once more to our Great Creator
The one whom stitched life into the womb of our mother
For when we return to the Earth we are interconnected by the Great Web of Life
A synthesized relationship between all living and dead things

My love
When did you decide to get so big
Swaddling turned to tummy time
Turned to crawling
I watched as your spirit became more comfortable being in the flesh
Oh what a transition it must be to go from the nourishing womb to the weight of the world
How I wish to lift the density of gravity off of you
As I watch your feet hit the floor
If only I could protect you from ever getting hurt as you grow once more
No one prepared me for the agony I would feel
Watching you grow so big
Running through the house and taking tumbles as you learn your sea legs
My love you hit milestones without any problems showing us just how independent you’ll be one day
Saying mommy I got this
I try to hold your hand as we walk
I remember the first time you pushed it away and shook your head no
So I listen
Because this is your body, your journey, your energy field
We are just observers
Your daddy and I
Here to watch you as you make choices for yourself
No one prepared me for this side of our journey
The one where you take the reigns and begin to live
A year has come and passed and I still remember the way you slept comfortably in my womb
Dreaming of the way those kicking feet would hold mama up for a late night dance
I still remember the moment I felt your head crown
When my spirit went into the ethers to bring you Earth side
Oh how these moments imprinted within my heart
I’ve spent nearly every day comforting you, nurturing you, honoring you
Since you were an embryo within my temple
And I would do it all again
Just to watch you grow into this adventurous, wild little cub once more
…..

A version of myself I had yet to meet was awaiting the other side of a burning ring of fire
What I hadn’t yet acknowledged was that there would be a sense of grief for the exoskeleton I’d be leaving
That part of me that drove for miles, windows down, music up
Wind tangling my hair sun overhead
Not a care in the world
Onto the next adventure at every discomfort
When I started settling down and building the stepping stones toward a life of security and comfort, I began recalling memories of her
Wanting to be like her
Grasping at every chance to enjoy life to the fullest extent
12 $ in your pocket and a full gas tank was all one needed
Letting spirit lead the way
This version of me
This archetype of the wild womban
She resembled the freedom my ancestors longed to feel
Blood of their blood, flowing within
As I recalled this ancient knowing
The soil holding their rattling bones full of stories, medicine wisdom, lost warrior lineages
We were scattered across plains in babbling brooks
Sent our of the nest before we could fly
My whole life I longed to hear the wisdom from my elders
To know where I came from
To voice the interconnection I had with a land of Sacred recognition that I’d never touched
Would I ever find the full essence of myself without being able to commune with spirit in the places where my grandmother’s one stood
Before I became pregnant my soul was called to touch the cleansing waters of the islands
Mama Maui
To swim among the wombs waters
To trust myself and follow what felt true within my heart
Honoring the path that God was clearing for me. So I started taking each day with a breath of recognition
For the divine rhythms flowing around me

The valley of trees am extension of my protective force field
Become one with the earth
As the sun penetrates  this physical flesh
I cry in green
Multiple facets of color
Dripping like rain off the petioles of the rhododendron
This forest holds me
We shift as one
Hiding behind the tree
Aware of every living thing breathing through her density
We are one
I speak to the whispering wind
Trees dancing as we alchemize energetic molecules
I am present
One
Center
Hold me tenderly great spirit
For your power is beyond measure
My body craves the sensation of oneness
Stillness
Peace
To lay on river rocks carved by waters that will return with the cycles of life
Oh what an honor it is to be witness to the love happening all around
The way each family of plant species grows symbiotically with old man moss & ferngullys
This space is a story once told
Of faraway lands
It’s right here
As close as the worms are to soil
The rocks are grazed with water each day
Birds singing
May our eyes always open to the beauty of her majesty ✨

My relationship with God has been an internal dialog. The blessed moments between us shared so sacredly. Those spaces that you choose to show up in the outer world honoring every moment as an opportunity to choose love.
This is a lesson to Share with my future generations. To honor the moments where you can create a relation with the accompanying blessings of creators love. The value of this is not to show difference in belief systems but how you can come to be present with the truth of all things.
I never have to rush things or wish things were different because by honoring the moment and blessing that God is bestowing upon me I can create joy in the process.

For so long I ran away from my problems. For once in my life I’m not running from anything. I’m full speed of light, and faith that I’m finally running towards my vision of a beautiful life. For once I’m comfortable almost melancholy of the challenges. I asked for this. I held this vision in my heart so long that now I’m living in the manifestation of my dreams. Ready to bask in comfortability and growth. Strength and restfulness. Action and subtly. Riding the waves. Flowing through life like a bobber afloat the turquoise rivers.
The colors on my pallet are that of cleansing earth. Pure mana. Splendid beauty. Grant me the access to hold this moment for what it is great spirit. No distractions, only purity.
Life wasn’t meant to be complicated or challenging. It’s a perfect template to cocreate, share harmony, and hold space for each other to live in our bountiful beauty.
There is such beauty in this space of existing.
The earth is shifting, tilling the soil, bringing up the next layer of dirt to be filled with life.
I’m thankful to be in this space. Of enjoying the contentment of a life lived in honor of faith. To not have fear of my story taking me over and finding the next road to ride away on. I’m home. Here. In this now. With my family. I’m fine tuning the spaces of my life to be a intimate reflection of who I am.
To bring expansion, alignment and fulfillment.
I am no longer running. Or hiding. Or shaming.
I am me. I am home. I am love.
Thank you.
For all of these lessons that bring me here.
To this space.
This garden of my life.

Intentions
I am a vessel of faith and grace in light of the most high.
I feel connected to the Earth, to source and to my beating heart.
I consciously make choices that benefit my own well being and the well being of all.
I hear the call to rise above the commotion and anchor in the frequency of new earth.
I am a being of love.
I am love.
I give love.
I receive love.
Abundance flows through me, to me, and for me. I am always provided for.
We are safe in the arms of creator and mother Gaia.
We are grateful for another day of life.
I feel joyful in the presence of knowing that the light prevails and darkness will be met with the hand of love and acceptance.
I see with clarity, the visions of ecstacy and creation.
I speak with intention and poignancy.
I say what is on my heart.
I communicate effectively and honestly.
I am not afraid of using my voice.
I speak with purpose and share what I am passionate about in this lifetime.
I am aligned with my soul purpose.
I came here for more than ordinary.
I am a beacon of light to those who are lost in the dark.
My family is protected and grounded in faith of the most high, the creator the creatrix.
I am rooted in my essence, expanded through the ethers and untethered to confinement.
I share my wisdom with others so they too may step into their own truth.
I see visions of new earth.
I see visions of my children, playing freely, laughing, guided.
I see visions of clean water, clean food, clean air for all generations that come after us.
I see a new way of being emerging through the cement we have placed over our inner child.
I am healthy and my vessel is a conduit for the divine to spark through.
I am connected with my soul, my purpose.
I am connected with my past lives and am unwinding the karmic cycles that have accompanied me on this journey.
I am a creator.
I am whole in my essence.
I love others for their individual interests, pursuits and innocence.
May all beings be wild and free.
May all beings honor their vessels and the temple of Earth.

I’m coming home to myself. I’m feeling blessed to be alive. The sun feels warmer, the air feels lighter.Turning the pages to find that the last words across them are this is your life, live free. Honor your vessel. Fulfill your mission.
I take a deep breath and remember what I came here for. A life filled with passion, creativity and pleasure.

The full moon beams over head. My son awakened by the amplification of energy that stimulates the oceans currents. We are connected at the heart,  feeling his hands grasp me, rub on my skin and feet dancing across my belly. Reminds me of being pregnant with him. Constantly wiggling through the early hours of dawn. Some days are harder to enjoy these moments but days like today I feel called to sit with the quiet hours of the morning and process. Sit with my feelings. Listen to the noise. Anchor in the silence.
My last moon cycle was 11-11. Now we are ringing in the last moon of this year’s cycle. The honoring of winter has always been one of my favorites. Giving thanks to the rain to replenish us, giving thanks to the sun who nourishes our spark of the divine. May the sun always return to keep us warm and alive in wellness and life. Its been a wild journey of unbecoming over this last year. Pregnancy really gave me insight into the continuous depth of internal work my being will take charge on. Yet I am only here to progress the energy never to stifle it with control and judgment. I am holding myself with more grace than ever before. And it serves me justice to be brought to my knees in reverance of all matters.
I was not born to be reigned in with the status quo. My being is aligned with the consciousness of source and the holiness of infinite oneness.
I’ve began shedding layers of my own shame, guilt and constructs. I’ve let go of trauma,  insecurity and fear. My vessel is an eternal living being here to anchor in unity consciousness.
I feel grateful for all I have awakened within this life cycle. Shit, even 2020 has felt like a lifetime of unraveling and molding to find the shape that feels most “me”. I will never forget the way I felt November 2019
Full moon in Taurus during Scorpio season and exploring Maui. My flow had started, I went to the beach to swim, cleanse, flow with the mama. She held me so tight. Breast to the sun, third eye expanding, the ocean wrapped around my body. I felt eternal. Like a goddess of ancient earth. At one. At peace. I felt strong in my wild feminine. I felt like I was floating and grounded all in one. The only thing I was sure of was my love for this feeling. My love for the earth and Great Spirit. The love for myself. I was empowered. Given the opportunity to resurface any old paradigms of lack and fear. Bringing to the shallows to be held and seen. Like a stingray traveling through the ocean depths and coming to the sand.
I slept under full moon star lit skies, and listened to the ocean, where my every thought and feeling was held graciously by the continuous support of waves hitting the shore.
The feelings I experienced before pregnancy were some of the most freeing and exceptional I have every felt. I honor the way life flowed through me with no expectations, no precursors or judgment on how I should feel or what i should do. I could simply and exponentially just be.
This year has taught me so much about the necessities my being needs for a sustainable life. I no longer need to conform in any way to fit inside of societal indoctrination. I am a free being,  flowing with individuality,  life, grace and love. My purpose to be an anchor of that eternal truth. To ground into the freedom of bliss and unity. With the earth, with spirit, with self.
I’ve slacked in ways that have made me feel less than. Not focusing on eating as healthy as possible, not exercising, not Journaling, not pursuing business ideas etc. This all stems from feeling as though my identity has shifted to a point I don’t have “time” to take care of myself. This comes from a space of dehydration. A space of confining myself to a timeline that has no virtue to it. I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m wasting time.
But how could embracing the love of my child, feeling his warmth, staring into his eyes, nurturing his gentle spirit ever be a waste? He is my reason for unbecoming. He is my reason for pursuing a life of connection to the divine. He has gifted me new sight and new foundation. I acknowledge his capability to push me to grow, to push me to fly. To spread my wings and see that I am exactly where I once was, have always been and need to be. I am elated to be able to hold him for these first few months of life. To nurture his essence and expand my own ability to protect. He is my reason for breathing deeper and deeper. For uncovering shadows and exposing truth. For fulfilling prophetic missions and completing my work here upon earth.
Watching him grow has been a gift.
Every day I am blown away by his ability to inspire, uplift and shine. He is truly a miracle, a being here to amplify the frequency of love upon this planet. I am so grateful for this connection between us. Everytime I look into his soul I see how incredibly smart he is. How passionate and gentle. How curious and adventurous. His consciousness has really expanded over the last couple months and its such a joy to watch him observe the moving world around him. But if anything. He’s here for it all. The beauty, the wild, the unknown. He shows me to be present more than anything else. I sit and stare at him for hours, I touch his skin and feel the flood of hormones rushing through my body. His laugh. His smile. His kisses. His love. Its all so divine. I wish to hold onto these moments infinitely. Forever my baby you’ll be.
Even when I have the space to focus on my own being I find myself thinking of him, watching him and talking about him. My life revolves around the sun. The eternal light that amplifies my life force energy. He is my ray of light even through the cloudiest of days. Veering into the sky theres always a blue patch of sky over us. As though God is constantly watching over us, gifting us with presence and peace.
I’ve accepted the love that Spirit has gifted me with more than ever. I feel as though the hidden parts of myself are seen, and my inner child is free to be herself, to love herself, to forgive herself. My whole life I knew trauma and shame, and finally I am free from the guilt as I walk this journey along side the creator. The one who sees all and gently opens our paths. For lifetimes and years I’ve been on the path of healing and self discovery. Only to find that I was whole and eternal the whole time. I spent days searching through the unknown for answers but they always led back to me. The one in the mirror. The me that is truth. I won’t ever be able to take back the things that have happened to me or the things I have done to my own body. They tell the story that is written across my skin. They signify the substantial growth I have overcome to be standing here today. To be able to watch my son grow and live a life well lived. To be a conscious parent. To mirror to him all of the genuine reflections he will look towards in hopes of pursuing his own path. I would never want to rid of his independent spirit. I pray he always feel the freedom in making his own choices, listening to his internal truth and mastering his dimension. He will come to us for guidance and we will be there to pick him up when he falls. Or let him know he has the power to do anything he puts his mind to. But mostly in conjunction with his heart.
I have done the healing process in order to protect the future lineage of my predecessors. They are the legacy of children that will bring forward peace upon mother earth once more. They will see a day when the light is amplified and evil will no longer reign the victimized mental of so many enslaved beings. We have risen. We have expanded. We are flying.
Right now marks the in between, the shift, the new age. Its been prophesied for centuries upon centuries. Its been channeled through so many galactic beings. Its truly no coincidence that we are here in this now.

We’ve been traveling across the country to reach the desert. Passing by thousands of people all living a different life. The mountains across states have shown me how much I appreciate our nook in the cascades. So much abundance of green vigorous life.

The changing of landscapes brings me to gratitude for the powerful array of detail and life that mother earth homes. She provides so much for us. Constantly shaping and shifting to bring us more life, more shelter, more change. The breath. Always pulling me back to my center. Exposing the space of resistance and breaking free from limiting beliefs and constructs. I choose to feel freedom living through my vessel. I choose to feel like flowing through my vessel onto all living beings.

I’m so blessed to have the opportunity to connect with my son in so many ways. To share this life with him. To live to the fullest. He is the greatest adventure I’ve ever taken, now to share the world with him makes me feel like I’m standing in truth more than ever. He’s never felt like a burden, even on my darkest nights. I’ve definitely been challenged in many ways but I’d still choose this path over and over just to see his sweet face. To feel his gentle touch. To stare into his eyes. He melts me into wholeness. I am at one with the divine when I am at one with him. My precious star seed.

We miss dada.
My partner. My home. Family. Such an interesting thing to feel when you share a person together. I’m grateful he allows me to do what I can with baby boy. He never restricts or tries to control my decisions. He’s so sweet when it comes to giving me free range in doing things with our son. Regardless I’m sure he realizes I’m aspens sole provider in this stage of life. Where as over the next couple years he will develop an amazing relationship with his son. I’m so grateful to watch that unfolding and to see jade stepping more and more into his purpose. He’s an amazing partner and father. I think this stage of life will propel him into really aligning in more ways than one. But that’s his journey to take responsibility of not mine. I can only lead by example and make choices for me and our families well being.

No matter how ugly man may make the world seem, i pray that the pictures of us in her divine beauty always help you remember how perfect she is. How every thing has a place. Everything has a purpose. Even you little cub. Among the rivers edge, above the waterfall, within the trees, across the layers of bedrock. I pray you find me within all of these things when I am long gone. I pray you always find your way back to the beauty of Mother Earth. For we return to her when our time has come to an end in the physical plane.
May you always remember.

One full moon cycle of learning you, loving you, challenging myself to be the best version of myself I can be, learning myself, loving myself. Looking to your father for guidance. Learning him, loving him.
Every day has granted me access to a hidden realm. A realm that our family has created and shares the keys to.
You have unlocked a part of my being that opens me wholesomely, and for that I am grateful.
I couldn’t have done this without you. I never knew my missing pieces were to be tied together by the weaving web of our life’s creation. To think you’re such a powerful being already, so early on. I think back to the moments you were in my womb. As soon as I felt your energetic pulsation beating through me I knew. I knew you carried a magic so profound within your DNA. I knew you were here for a reason and that reason was love.
It was written in your birth right, and read aloud to me. The creator did wonders when he made you. Perfecting every last bit of you.

Your breath brings me back to center,  the gravitational pull I feel toward you opening my heart.
This is love with no borders, unconditional, conscious, whole.
The sacred essence of mother hood has transformed my senses.

Feeling my psychic abilities advancing. Clairsentience.

Communicating with a human who has no words but has emotion. I feel you. I feel the deep messages you send to my heart. Its as though we’re still attached by the placental cord that nourished you in my sacred womb.
Some days I long for you to be inside my womb, safe and protected from the outside world. Yet I know you came earth side in your own divine timing. Everything happens for a reason.
The seasons are changing, we are living in the in between once more.

Fires have devastated forests among the PNW but I feel this is a deep transition. Anchoring in the codes of the divine dance of balance.
I kiss your head and call to the creator to protect you. We pray together for mother earth to be nourished by the restorative waters.
I have removed fear from our consciousness. Nothing to be afraid of for we have no enemies in this life. We have exposed the truth of the ways of deception. They are now entangled in the web of creation. Merging timeliness and shifting poles.

We are home. In the eternal light of the great spirit, source consciousness.
Your tiny hands caress me, I am the first form of safety you have learned. From the waters we created that surrounded you and kept your body in light. To the arms that hold you when you are uncomfortable.
I hear you my sun
I’m listening

You communicate so well little star seed
I wonder so much about you
What you have come here to do, your mission, your individual role for the collective
I keep my mind open knowing I am not here to control you but to be a guiding light and protector of your journey
You smile in your sleep and tell me that you are my protector
Together we are strength embodied
Working in unison
Navigating through this life as co creators
I thank you for giving me this role
My first born
The one who has given me another reason to live and to love
The one who has kept my spirit connected to the sacred, the most high, the creator
Thank you
I am honored to walk this path by your side and to hold you in reverence
For you hold the keys of dimensions I have yet to learn